Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
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I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.