I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
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A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye