@Home_Halfway

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

You Might Also Like

@Fred_Delicious

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

@KarlreMarks

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

@Marcmywords2

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

@Sanbel11

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

@Reverend_Scott

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

@adamgreattweet

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

@thenatewolf

Me: [being arrested] how did you find me?

Detective: literally crumbs

@kwirkyKerri

Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)

@wendchymes

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .