Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
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Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Breaking news:
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.