@Home_Halfway

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

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@KeetPotato

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

@ArfMeasures

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

@lovemydogduck

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

@NintenDom

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

@TweetPotato314

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

@TheRealRHB

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

@FrenulumBreve

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

@o__0Dev

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.