Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

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History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud


When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.


[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*


Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.


Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.


Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON


So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”


Me: [being arrested] how did you find me?

Detective: literally crumbs


Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)


My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .