Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
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Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”