I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
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ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Dog: (confused dog look)
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on
Babies crying everywhere
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella
Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.