@Brentweets

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

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@mommajessiec

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

@chuuew

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

@Dave_Philips

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

@pittdave13

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

@Daveastated

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

@junejuly12

BREAKING NEWS

Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls

@AnniemuMary

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

@Bill_Nye_Tho__

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

@poutinesmoothie

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

@avainwordland

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ