Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

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I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.


ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]


Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)


Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere


Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*



Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls


Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.


there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now


[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*


Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ