Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
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Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
The internet is magic sometimes.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.