Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
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Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
i hate you platonically
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.