Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

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I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married


On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!


MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.


Fool me Once – Shame on You.
Fool me Twice- Shame on Me.
Fool me Thrice- What are you, a Nigerian Scamster?


You had me at ‘I’ve had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend’


“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.


[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog


You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.