@imence2

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

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@Smooheed

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

@Robert_Beau

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

@UncleDuke1969

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

@RandomManik

Fool me Once – Shame on You.
Fool me Twice- Shame on Me.
Fool me Thrice- What are you, a Nigerian Scamster?

@Shelts99

You had me at ‘I’ve had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend’

@SunshineJarboly

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

@AndyAsAdjective

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

@1Happytwit

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.