I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
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Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Fool me Once – Shame on You.
Fool me Twice- Shame on Me.
Fool me Thrice- What are you, a Nigerian Scamster?
You had me at ‘I’ve had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend’
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.