Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
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My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Best mom ever 😂
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.