other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
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A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.