Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

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My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.


[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
do you see how that’s confusing?


[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty


“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid


[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]


The upside to having kids is how you’re able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans


me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken


Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.


9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.


According to HR, white people aren’t issued a race card, and they’d appreciate if I went back to my desk.