Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
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My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Follow me for more recipes
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”