Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
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When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.