Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
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I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
This was a bad idea all around