Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
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[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.