“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
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my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed