ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
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Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
this has done me in for some reason
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.