[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
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I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Friends that check up on you >
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Awwwww shit.