Twitter is the new flypaper.
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ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes