Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
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I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
When someone says you are so lazy
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)