[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
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Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Monday Lisa
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick