Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.

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youtube led me to this guy who opens old military ration kits. he just ate a cracker from the civil war. im locked in for this quarantine


When I wrote “Spiritual” on my online-dating profile, I meant I like to watch ‘Ghostbusters’.


MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.


Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*


This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.


ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]


Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even


Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months


Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”