Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
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Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Muppet Screams
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you