Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

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Things I learned from media:

Sanders has won a bunch of states but must drop out

Rubio shows he’s a contender by losing nearly everywhere


Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”


As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”


I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.


My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.


If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping


According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.



Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why


? I’m like a bird, I’ll only swim away, I don’t know what a bird is ?