Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
So that’s what we looked like?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?