Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
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Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.