@Lunatic_times

Twitter is the witness protection program from family on Facebook.

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@fuzzypantaloons

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

@NurseSeymour

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

@nojeshua

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

@existentialcoms

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

@thedad

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

@buhsbaby_baby

Him: So what are you into?
Me: *thinking of the newspaper cutouts of Justin Trudeau all over my bedroom walls and ceiling* Politics.

@citizenkawala

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

@farahfergie

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

@Gupton68

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

@isabelzawtun

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement