@MilkshakeAnyone

Twitter is the world’s largest voluntary police lineup.

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@Jake_Vig

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

@Jtweeters

If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.

@Slims_Ramblings

“Hey look, there’s a deer frolicking in the woods over there!”

Deer: What the hell did you say I was doing?

@AlexRogaski

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

@eddiesnextwife

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

@davidstassen

My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.

@UncleDuke1969

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

@heatherjs

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

@Jeffwni

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

@Gupton68

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!