Twitter is the world’s largest voluntary police lineup.

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Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?


If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.


“Hey look, there’s a deer frolicking in the woods over there!”

Deer: What the hell did you say I was doing?


[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.


My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.


My mom likes to get to the airport three days before her flight.


Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.


I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?


Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.


Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!