Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.
You Might Also Like
Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting “here”
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
i miss when my mom would fix girls nails after they got in a fight for free if they showed her the fight video
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
I like your style, Murray.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.