Twitter is what happens when the firemen show up with gasoline instead of water.

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Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”


Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting “here”


[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*


This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.


[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird


i miss when my mom would fix girls nails after they got in a fight for free if they showed her the fight video


“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old


[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.


Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.


Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.