I can fix him.
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Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit