[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
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*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.