america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
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My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I get distracted pretty eas
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden