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@HomeProbably: Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
@UncleDuke1969: [friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
@WheelTod: Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase "I always give 110%", so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
@junejuly12: Working at McDonald's at 16 taught me I didn't want to work at McDonald's at 17.
@Mr_Mike_Clarke: "On second thoughts... I'm not hungry!"
@hansmollman: Biden: Oh boy, his car is here, quick let's all hide
Obama: Joe pls