@Yair_Rosenberg

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

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@ReeseButCallMeV

What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I’ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.

@CorkyKneivel

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

@SkunkFarts

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

@JamColley

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

@mommajessiec

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

@iwearaonesie

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

@JohnsonDiaz21

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

@ddsmidt

Estimated assembly time said 20 minutes, it took much longer than that.

Clearly the instruction writer is overly confident in his skills.

@Browtweaten

Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What