Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
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How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks