@Yair_Rosenberg

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

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@jctwritesstuff

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

@ThugRaccoons

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

@MaryJustice86

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

@drinksmcgee

My boss wrote accidently wrote “Pantera” instead of “Panera” and now I’m dressed really inappropriately for this business lunch.

@jtswhipped

“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.

@meganamram

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

@momtribevibe

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

@_odlanyeR

Whoever named the ewe really didn’t like female sheep

@Raoul_Duke_71

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.