What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I’ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.
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Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Estimated assembly time said 20 minutes, it took much longer than that.
Clearly the instruction writer is overly confident in his skills.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit