Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
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Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My boss wrote accidently wrote “Pantera” instead of “Panera” and now I’m dressed really inappropriately for this business lunch.
“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[being choked to death]
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
ADHD is ADD in high definition.
Whoever named the ewe really didn’t like female sheep
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.