GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
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The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.