Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
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I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
✌🏽
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur