Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
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“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
What’s a Messi?
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)