TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no