Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
You Might Also Like
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees