@OakHill_

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

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@avainwordland

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

@Darlainky

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

@JediGigi

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”

@skin_and_i

Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight

@david8hughes

[aliens land]
Me: …
Alien: is that-are you eating laundry detergent

@CruisinSoozan

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

@amietorii

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

@longwall26

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

@harrows_

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously