Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
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I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight
Alien: is that-are you eating laundry detergent
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it