Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
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If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
🙂🙃🥹
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science