Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
You Might Also Like
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.