Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
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Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Current mood: Potato
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow