Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
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[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.