@burntmybagel

Twitter: something to read when people are talking to you.

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@shatterpants

When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask “who’s in charge of tossing the salads here?” Then I frown & order the soup.

@botsalot

Say no to drugs, kids. Wait until your thirties when you really need them.

@ThugPickles

OMG! THERE’S A SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE! “OMG.” Wtf are you doing?! “HIDING MY DAMN CEREAL!”

@sdurbin23

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

@Marcmywords2

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

@TheAndrewNadeau

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

@T_N_Crumpets

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

@SeanEmeny

They say “confidence” is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I’d have to say “not banging my friends” would be a very close 2nd

@_making_friends

me: damnit, i forgot to get my bus fare reimbursed this month
sally: go see gary in HR, he’s pretty flexible
[walks in on gary doing yoga]

@notIena

my next relationship better be my last because i’m tired of telling guys my favorite color