[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
You Might Also Like
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.