When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask “who’s in charge of tossing the salads here?” Then I frown & order the soup.
Twitter: something to read when people are talking to you.
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Say no to drugs, kids. Wait until your thirties when you really need them.
OMG! THERE’S A SERIAL KILLER ON THE LOOSE! “OMG.” Wtf are you doing?! “HIDING MY DAMN CEREAL!”
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
They say “confidence” is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I’d have to say “not banging my friends” would be a very close 2nd
me: damnit, i forgot to get my bus fare reimbursed this month
sally: go see gary in HR, he’s pretty flexible
[walks in on gary doing yoga]
my next relationship better be my last because i’m tired of telling guys my favorite color