[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
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Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here