Twitter: Sorry. Something went wrong

Me: you’re goddamn right it did

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Guys, I think we’ve been doing this all wrong

Next year, I’m following Jesus example and celebrating Easter by spending 3 days sleeping


PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you


I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.


The sun will come out tomorrow, and unfortunately so will other people.


I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.


Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn’t you know you were taking the picture?


Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.


I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.


her: coffee?

me: yes please

her: how do you take it?

me: orally


[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.