@tsm560

Twitter: Sorry. Something went wrong

Me: you’re goddamn right it did

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@CafeinatedBacon

Guys, I think we’ve been doing this all wrong

Next year, I’m following Jesus example and celebrating Easter by spending 3 days sleeping

@SortaBad

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

@junkyardigan

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

@attsmcjay

The sun will come out tomorrow, and unfortunately so will other people.

@Stap_Jr

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

@turtledumplin

Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn’t you know you were taking the picture?

@wildrainbow2

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

@samalmightysam

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

@arcadeseals

her: coffee?

me: yes please

her: how do you take it?

me: orally

@heyevergreen

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.