Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
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I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.