@Thrill_Tweeter

Twitter – to help future generations discover if there’s ever been any mental illness in the family.

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@ohpeetie

Cop: “Can you describe the person who robbed you?”

Me: “He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee”

@StarWarsProblms

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

@SkylarTessier8

Insta before videos: hey look at my sushi !
Insta with videos: hey look at my sushi for 15 seconds !

@Tired_Dad_of_2

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

@samstein

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

@thevaginadiary

I used to think sex in those apocalyptic movies was so dumb cuz who would want sex when everything’s going to shit? I do, I want sex.. I changed my mind.

@PrisonCookies

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next