Twitter – to help future generations discover if there’s ever been any mental illness in the family.
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Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
T: No-[sees it’s almost 3 pm] Magic
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
M: See you in a week!
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
911: GET OUT GET OUT
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I thought a drone was the sound women make when you’re trying to watch the game?
I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.