Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
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Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Need WebMD
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me