Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
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Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.