Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
accurate
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked