Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
There is no try. There is only give up.