Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
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Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.